Wounded Soldier

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. -Ephesians 6:12

I continue to lose sight of this truth in the word of God. I am reminded of this scripture as I go to the throne, cry out to my Lord as a wounded soldier on the frontlines who has lost its armor and reaching out toward the closest thing it can reach. Forgetting that it is not in rest mode, but in an intense battle against the enemy that seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. I forgot that I was not just in a battle, but a full blown war...who my real enemy is...knocked off my feet and blaming my commander for my fall. Stripped of my fake armor, and asking the Lord to provide me with His weapons and His protection...

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

-Ephesians 6:14-17

Letting go of my family has left me feeling naked, unarmed, and questioning where my true identity lies. There were years of abuse, physically and mentally along with manipulation and guilt. A toxic environment, proof of what happens with the lack of God within a home..destruction and wounds that never heal and only continue on to infection. I chose to jump off the merry -go-round and this has been very difficult. Wishing I had what I can never get back. Asking the Lord to restore all that was lost within me.

Forgiveness...such a complex, difficult, but liberating commandment. They are not my enemy, but broken people who need Jesus, just as much as everyone else. It's hard to see this with your family and sometimes you tend to have different expectations for people that are supposed to love and protect you. I forgot that they are not my identity. That they do not determine my steps, but it is my true commander, my Lord and Savior who guides my path.

So many small battles within this much larger war. I miss my two brothers and wish things were different. I am sad for my dad and his continuous bondage that only leads him further and further into destruction. I hope for my mom, that she will gain strength through the Lord and allow Him to guide her instead of through her own understanding. We are five...now divided.

From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”

-Luke 12:52-54

Lord, allow me to get up from this battlefield, and conquer victoriously what the enemy meant for evil. Allow me to be a light to my family, even if I cannot be with them right now. Give me the strength father to look beyond myself, my pain, my needs, and let you do your work within me. Building my strength, my endurance, my love, compassion, and identity in nothing else but you.

Love,

Marleny

Ignorance is bliss.

I have forgotten what it's like to live in ignorance. As of lately, I feel I continously live in the reality of the brokeness that surrounds me, even consumes me at times. But there is no hope in Consumption only deeper despair. the only hope, the only way I have found to make sense of it all...to truly make sense of the past, present, and future is through His word. Through His promises, through His story..that is now slowly becoming my story. His love reflected in my strength, not of my doing, but His. Redemption from the past and hope for the future.

Where I sometimes settle for burgers and fries, He has a feast awaiting, but only through determined obedience. I stumble, I doubt, I complain, I get impatient, but continue to run to His name. Sure...bliss no longer exists in my world, but truth proclaims a different tune. One that comforts others in their struggle and is a hand that lifts my brother, my sister to help them up along the way.

You see, speaking only of our troubles, of past mistakes, regrets, betrayls, lost dreams, only leaves us with half a story. Let Him finish your beautiful story and place new desires in your heart. He will lay the foundation of Hope, Understanding, Love, Mercy, Forgiveness, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. Run to Him in times of need, times of regret, times of sorrow and times of happiness...Let Him be your sheild, your Lord and Master, Jesus Christ. We all have a master..It is either the things of the world or the things of the Lord. Only one leads to enternal life. You are tired, you are weary, so just stop...and find your Rest in Him.

"Be still, and know that I am God"

Psalm 46:10

Grace...is not a light switch

I've been traveling quite a bit the last few months. Mission trip, vacation, work. Most recently it's been for work. With this comes airport lines, flight delays, people who take forever in the security line...all leaving you silently murmuring .." Amazing Grace..how sweet the sound.." Well, at least that's what I'd like to think! However, I don't always extend that grace..unfortunately. How quickly I turn it on and off.
Mission trip=on
Work trip= off

I have to constantly check myself. The reason I say this is because I caught myself with it "off" this morning. I'm checking my bag at La Guardia in NY and there are some people in front of me who are "inconveniencing me" by taking forever, blocking my path, and overall little concern that I have somewhere to be. (sarcasm has been inserted here)

My thought process is like this "This weekend was terrible. Ive been working non-stop since I got here and throughout the weekend and have to show up to work on Monday with a pile of things I missed while out of the office. I just want to go home...puleassseeee." The lady who checked my bag noticed my frustration and made a rude comment. ouch. Negativity breeds negativity. Now, this type of thing would usually not bother me as it happened so fast , a split second that I had a frustrated, negative reaction. Within the next moment I look down at my silver bracelet. The one with the cross and John 3:16 verse.

So, a little back story...Three years ago, I lived in NYC. I developed a very NY state of mind after a while, all about taking care of number one. Having little time for people..where smiling was an inconvenience and southern hospitality ..is just plain "weird." I became a New Yorker avoiding eye contact as I walked the busy streets, not stopping to look at the world around me, the people - God's people. Oh, how things have changed! ..or have they? I look down at my bracelet and remember that I can't turn it on and off when it's convenient. I am a brand ambassador for Christ - no matter how tired, frustrated, stressed I may be. His people come first and my selfish desires, frustrations must be put to the side. You see..you never know who is watching you and God is going to use you whenever He desires. Your heart shows its true colors in these situations. Christ extends grace to me daily..minute by minute, even during those milliseconds when I feel I deserve to "turn it off."

Now, this next part is Great....because when my heart is NOT in the right place - the Lord brings it back to a much better place....I'm finally at the gate, pull out my laptop to catch up on emails. There is a girl behind me on her cell, and suddenly I hear the words "Guatemala, mission trip, and Antigua." Its rare to hear these words so randomly in New York..unexpected place, unexpected time. However, I am intrigued. I tap her on her shoulder and say "excuse me, I'm sorry for eavesdropping, but I overheard you say you are traveling to Guatemala?" She began to tell me how upset she was because she had planned this mission trip with one of her friends.
However, her friend had a mild seizure at 2 am this morning, was currently at the hospital and obviously had to skip out on the trip. The issue was that her friend had planned the trip and had all the information of where they were to go -- so, she was left with a plane ticket, 100 pounds of children's clothes to take to orphanages which she did not know where they were located. In addition, she had no plans for the next 10 days beyond Antigua as she was leaning on her friend for the details and logistics. hmm..interesting.

I began to tell her about my yearly mission trip to Guatemala and the village that I go to and the missionaries there. I told her that if she were interested I could connect her with them so that she could visit the village. She was ecstatic because that is exactly the sort of thing she had been wanting to do! We exchanged facebook info. The great thing as I found is that she speaks Spanish & has also traveled quite a bit in her lifetime. Two VERY good things when you go to a third-world country with no set plans. Eased my immediate worry for this girl...Oh..but p.s. God always has a plan :) We were called to begin boarding the plane and (surprise!) our seats were right next to each other.

We continued to talk and she shared with me how much she enjoyed doing volunteer work and just recently started doing mission trips. She also told me that she stepped into a church for the first time two months ago, gave her life to Christ and hasn't been the same since..awesome. Shortly after, we began to strike a conversation with the girl sitting next to me on my left. Grad student at Yale, studying ancient Christianity. Traveled all over the world and was most recently studying up on monks. Most of what she studied was so above my head that I was left with...."wow, very interesting" I had trouble deciphering parts of our conversation (I'm simple minded folk) and really understanding where exactly her faith was, so I just asked her. She told me she was a "non-believer" hmm... interesting. "So..are you an atheist?"

"Yep, I was raised Lutheran, but you know, it just wasn't for me.." However, she likes the study of religions from a historical perspective and she liked the philosphy of it all, she said. To tell you the truth..atheist scare me. Not because they are scary people, but because usually they are so much smarter than me..:) They are very good at proving their arguments and many have dedicated countless hours proving this argument. If we're speaking battle of intellect, I will lose. If we are speaking matters of the heart...well, that's different. She was such a delight to talk to and so we engaged in a great conversation.

After a while, I lay my head down on my tray table. As I'm sitting there, the girl to my right who has just discovered Christ is reading "the Shack" while the "non-believer" on my left is reading up on ancient religion. All of a sudden, I imagined a tap on my shoulder (from God)..."excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt your thoughts, but you see...this was never about you. "
"oh, and p.s. I love you."

technology..blessing or a curse?

I really love technology. I love the gadgets, the speed, the plethora of information that can be obtained at the click of a mouse or word search. I love social networks and how they have changed the way that we communicate with people..we will never again wonder what happened to "so-and-so" and always be able to "peek" into each others lives at a moment's notice. It seems to impact the way we date..we look through albums and make preconceived judgments of that person and their lives.. do we have the same interests? are their favorite movies the same?

As an ex-marketer, this is even more fascinating to me...the idea of understanding the different cultures and sub-segments that exist within this space..getting into these conversations and engaging with "customers" in a whole new way... How do we get them to love OUR brand the most? .....truly fascinating.

OK- so with all this said..when I hear of people say that technology is bad.. what I hear is "blah, blah, blah" However (as rare as this is) I have been wrong... :)

Absolutely wrong for that matter. All of our gadgets have the ability to hold us bondage to them..to depend on them for our every need.

We need directions - GPS.
We have a question - Search.
We want entertainment - facebook or YouTube.

We are trapped to our blackberries or iphones with work email. We unwind with Hulu or itunes..its never-ending.

How many times have you logged on to facebook and two hours later realized, wow..its 11pm?!
What could we have used that time for?

We are connected and we are (surface level) connecting with each other- constantly.

But are we connecting with God? When do we have the time? There is none.. ouch.

When we get to the gates of heaven, will we tell God that we didn't have enough time to read his word, to truly meditate on it, because well, the reason was we were on facebook far more often than we opened the LIFE BOOK. Ouch.

Believe me, this conversation pains me just as much. I'm calling myself out here. But I think I might not be the only one...the truth is that we must start to monitor our time with these gadgets..our everyday dependence on them can hold us bondage and in the end keep us from being productive in growing his kingdom. What we can start thinking is, how we can use this awesome technology to GROW his kingdom..for HIS good.. now, there's an idea. The Lord has given us the brains to come up with all of this amazing stuff..let's start using it for His glory..

My Heart..is about to burst.

I really don't know how else to explain it. Have you ever experienced something so beautiful with the Lord that words cannot describe, yet you want to tell the whole world? Today was another one of those days. What I love about it, is that these moments are always so unexpected. I had to run home to write, because I can't afford to forget these gifts that the Lord provides of experiencing His love. I am officially wooed. So, I'll start from the beginning of how this morning played out.

I woke up this morning at 7am. Rested, but with a distracted mind. This is actually how I've been all week. Distracted and anxious in thought through different events..work, personal, etc. All self-centered, all self-consuming. I feel when I start to get spiritually dry..my Heart starts to cry out for the Lord.

I called out to Him this morning- asked Him to please rid me of myself. To blanket me with His love and to forgive me for my self-centerdness. To guide me, use me for His will. For my actions to reflect His image and not my own. My Heart cried out this morning and He responded.

I went to the Homeless Soup kitchen at 8:30, which I often go to on Saturdays. Today, However was a special day. I spoke to two people -- Ruben and Phillip. For today, I want to focus on my conversation with Phillip.

I met Phillip at the gates of the World Impact Center. Young, black man - mid 30s. I was standing with Pastor John when he approached us and asked us "So, why are ya'll here..? What is the purpose of all of this." He asked this, not in a rude way, but in a genuine way, as if he was trying to figure out what the catch was. Pastor John said "We are here to love on people." Phillips face seemed confused. He said, "Ive been to these things before. It's like a trick.. a trap. I almost gave my life to Christ once, and everything made sense, up until the point that they asked people to stand up and roll on the floor if they wanted to accept Christ into their hearts."

Sometime later, I happened to run into Phillip again. He was sitting on one of the benches. He asked me, "So, people come here for the free coffee and the breakfast, huh?" This is a good draw to get people to come. That's smart." Again, in an observant type of tone.

I smiled at him and told him.."People don't come here for the coffee" They come because of the relationships that are built here. For the healing that occurs. For the Love that is offered without strings attached. Unlike anything they have ever experienced. Unlike anything I have ever experienced.

You see, homeless people have a list of options to go to on Saturday mornings for food. There are different government, religious organizations that reach out to them on the weekends. More so, than during the week. This is when they get a chance to really get a good meal.

However, more and more people come to Solomon's Porch..not for the coffee or the food - but because they know there is something different about this place. Something is happening here. They cant put their finger on it - but they feel it.

I felt this. When I first walked into Solomon's Porch as a volunteer, I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea how my heart would be transformed and how much the Lord would use me to speak truth into these people's lives as long as I would allow Him to. I explained this to Phillip.

He began to tell me about his life. His hurts, his mistakes, his regrets, and his doubt in this concept of God. Everything he was saying I could completely connect with. I shared my story with him. He was so scared to let go and let God. He still is.

There are so many things that we touched on that I really cant believe it was all in one morning. I literally saw the Lord soften his heart. Tugging at his heart. Calling out to him. I see so much potential in Phillip. He is smart, introspective, and observes everything. He wants to understand everything.

He said "This is weird.. I came here for coffee, I never expected this." He told me that he didn't know what to do. Part of him wanted so bad to surrender his life to Christ, but then another side couldn't do it. He kept saying that he couldnt believe that people came out and did this for no reason at all, other than to show love to one another.

Phillip is my brother in Christ. He shared his heart with me today, and the Lord used me to speak to him about His magnificent love and healing power. I could see a change in Phillip. Thinking, processing. He told me he had a strong desire to one day be able to speak truth to others and share his story as I had shared mine. Through our stories we are able to share HIS story...what a beautiful connection this is. In the end, I feel Phillip was left with a desire to find this water of life - the place where the coffee never runs out.

I pray that Phillip goes about his week and sees God's love in the details of his life. I pray that his heart begins to soften and that he continues to ask questions, to seek.

I pray that he returns next week for another conversation.