This is the only way I can truly describe each of these trips…its been a time of truly basking in his presence – I never know what to expect every year that I go, but I always know its going to be something great. The last three years have taught me so much. I have been in a completely different place in my life each year that I’ve been. All leading me closer and closer to the cross and creating a deep-rooted desire to know Him and serve His people in a major way.
This year was powerful, beyond words. Because of this, I have been having a really hard time putting into words the overflow of experiences, events, emotions that occurred over the course of just 10 days. I write about this because when people ask me how my mission trip was, there are just not enough ways to describe it in one conversation – its been three years that the Lord has worked in my life in a major way. It will be one year in August since one of the worst days of my life. These trips are powerful, they are my heart, serving His people restores my soul and shows me just how Great God’s love is…
I’m going to be completely honest – I was scared of coming back to Dallas. I’m still scared of being back and beginning my daily routine. I really like my life in Dallas – I love my church, my friends, my work. They are all BIG blessings in my life. Gifts from the Lord. However, the first few days that I was in Guatemala I realized how far I had truly been from Him these past few months. I mean truly communing with Him, enjoying his presence and spending time with Him alone. I realized in Guatemala how surface-level I have been--how 10 days in a different country and serving his people completely changes my priorities in all aspects of my life. It’s a bit ridiculous that my distractions have prevented me from enjoying every minute with Him. He showed me my disobedience and the evil that exists within me and it humbled me beyond belief. I knew that God was working within me to prepare me for what was ahead. It was quite a beginning to the week to say the least.
He emptied me so that I could be filled with his spirit and an overflow of His love. The truth was, as I quickly realized, that although I do a great job of masking it - I was still very much hurting inside. And very deeply. My inner cry was “Lord how can I help these hurting people, when I am so hurt – how can I love when I have so little to give?” He definitely responded.
The Lord began to speak to me through different people, testimonies, events. He began to fill this empty vessel with his word, his strength, His love. I didn’t want the “feel-good” worship based on emotion that I sometimes succumb to. I want to worship Him at all times because He is Great. Direct communication with my Lord, away from the distractions.
“If you merely pretend that you enjoy God or love Him, he knows. You cant fool him; don’t even try” Francis Chan – Crazy Love.
Just a side note that there might be several references to the book Crazy Love, only because its what I was reading while I was down there. Great book.
“When we work for Christ out of obligation, it feels like work. But when we truly LOVE Christ, our work is a manifestation of that love, and it feels like love.” Francis Chan – Crazy Love
This year, the Lord allowed me to see more than ever before the evil and the SIN that exists in this world and in this village of Rio Hondo. I knew that there was darkness here, but I never experienced it and felt it in my spirit as much as this year. My heart truly broke as I stared at the ugly face of sin and the bondage that these children, teenagers, adults are under.
You see, in years past it was not as apparent to me. I was a leader for the smaller children, led them in different activities and enjoyed their smiling faces and their hugs and sweet affection. In 2008, I gave my testimony in front of 500 people from the village and it was a very sweet time. I began building these relationships that have grown over the last three years. Each year, I have learned more and more of their individual stories. This year I learned more on the bondage, the spiritual warfare that is all over this village. This verse kept coming to mind more and more throughout the week:
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms”
Ephesians 6:12
This was a major take-away in my mind for this year. These strongholds must begin to break in order for us to keep moving here, to see progress, to lead the people to a true relationship with Christ. This year, I decided to work with the teenagers. And since I am one of the few that speaks Spanish in the group, I really wanted to talk to the girls who are at such a crucial age in their lives. Most having experienced things that many adults will never see or experience. As I talked to them I could see there was so much there.
Even though most of them are constantly making jokes, laughing, making fun of each other, I could still see the wall and the mask that they each wear. Easily retracting if there was even a hint of talking about anything personal or serious. I felt at times that they were not listening to me, they were easily distracted. I soon realized that they very much were observing - everything.
My roommate Jade wrote a song a few years back, which she felt would be perfect for these girls and it truly was. The words were powerful, a love letter from God to these girls. There were a few times that I noticed two girls with tears in their eyes after we prayed. This was huge – through small events I began to see their hearts soften and their vulnerability. This is not common in the culture within this village. They don’t trust each other enough or even know how to open up to share this type of emotion. They bottle it up and harden their heart. It was beautiful to see their sweet vulnerability.
I was asked again this year to share my testimony. This made me nervous. I had shared my testimony before, but this year was different. You see in year’s past I had shared the surface-level testimony – the sugar-coated, happy ending one--always keeping the real, raw one in my back pocket for those times when I felt a strong tug in my heart to share as evidence of the Lord’s goodness and the power of forgiveness. Tremendous blessing and peace always occurred as a result, so I continued to share but just on a one-on-one basis.
Each time I shared, it became easier, until I got to the point that I could finish my story and there were no more tears --there was just peace.
This time however, I felt a strong tug to share this publicly, in front of 500 people. Something I never thought I could or would do. A story of betrayal, loss, anger, rebellion, forgiveness, mercy, and love. What’s sad is that at the core, my story is not unique. As I look back, however, I can connect the dots and see God’s hand every step of this very rough road. How beautiful His presence has been and how faithful He has remained in rebuilding this very broken heart.
Despite all of this, I was still scared and was still undecided of what I was going to say. I strongly believe that the Lord used this experience as another part of the healing process.
The day before I was supposed to give my testimony, I sought counsel from Lucci and my roommate Jade on what I should share in regard to my testimony. What caught me by surprise was that as I started sharing the really hurtful things, I began to cry. And I’m not talking just tears, but sobbing so much that I could barely breathe and felt my heart hurt so much all over again. I was surprised and angry. I’m supposed to be stronger than this, I thought. I was supposed to speak on how I had experienced something really bad, but things were good now…I cried until I was exhausted. And then I just felt a peace all over me. It was finished and I was ready to move on.
I went to the Hotel that night and prayed. However, I already knew what the Lord had been telling me all along. I had to share this. How can I ask for true authenticity of them when I was not being transparent?
I ended up sharing my testimony twice. The first time was with an English translator, so the entire team was able to listen. The second time was just in Spanish in front of everyone from Rio Hondo.
To clarify and emphasize – this testimony is not just my story – but HIS story and this is how he used it in Guatemala. First, he used it as part of my healing – which absolutely caught me by surprise and second I believe he used it to begin to break those strongholds which I spoke of earlier.
These next things that I am going to share are what broke my heart the most during my time in Rio Hondo. They are hard to write but I’m including because it is the reality of what these kids face – what people all over the world face.
There was a teenage boy that came up to me shortly after I spoke on Friday night. He thanked me for sharing my testimony and then told me that he wanted to talk to me about some things that he had in his heart.
He told me that he had experienced some pretty terrible things in his life and that he has so much hate and depression as a result and that he often times thought about killing himself. It was really hard for him to express himself so I had to be very patient in waiting for him to tell me as he often stayed quiet even though I knew he had more to say. He proceeded to tell me that he had been abused as a kid in a pretty terrible way. I asked him if he wanted to sit down and talk and he said yes.
He proceeded to tell me, without making any eye contact and through lots of waiting and questions that he had been sexually abused by not just one person but a group of older guys. Guys that were currently in the crowd that I had just spoken to. He had his head in his hands and said he was so ashamed. They taunted him that he was “gay” for the things that they had done to him when he was younger. I began to pray for him, I put my hand on his heart and prayed for the Lord to heal his broken heart and restore him from all of this abuse that he had endured and did not deserve. I told him that this was in no way his fault and that this was the very, very ugly face of sin that Jesus Christ died on the cross for. I told him that there is Hope and there is Healing.
However, he was not listening to me. He continued to say, you don’t understand..I deserve this. I deserve all the bad things that happen to me – I am a bad person. I couldn’t understand how this 13 year old boy could be saying these things. I asked him why he thought this. He said because I have done really bad things too. This broke my heart, because I knew. He was acting out with someone else the same things that had happened to him. I asked him who it was, was it still happening, how old were they, was it a girl, a boy? I had so many questions but I had to be patient with him.
He kept saying how ashamed and disgusted with himself he was. He couldn’t bare to look at me. I was staring at a cycle of generational Sin and I knew that he was not the only one. He proceeded to tell me that he was molesting his little brother. Inside, I was feeling like this was too much – what do I say Lord. I grabbed his hands and asked him to pray with me, we prayed for thirty minutes, he cried, I cried. I prayed that this bondage he is under be broken – that it stop that night and in that moment. That Satan remove himself from this child.
That same night, another lady came up to me. She had tears in her eyes and told me that she hopes to one day be able to share her story in front of a group of people like I did. We hugged for a long time. Her little boy had been one of the kids that was baptized that past Sunday when we were there.
Then I received a call on my cell from another teenager a few days later. He told me that he felt very alone and very depressed. That he often times thought about killing himself and was planning on doing so the Friday before we got there. He told me that he used to break bottles and cut himself. He also told me that he had been raped by his cousin and ever since then he had never been the same.
This was so much…Lord, what do I do with all of this? How can I hear these things and just leave now? My heart is broken for these people…the face of Sin is so ugly and we don’t realize it because it is so covered in the world in which we live in. When it is exposed we see the true death that it causes. We often times measure sin by how big or small we think it is without realizing that it all goes to the same pot..adding more and more to the world’s sin that continues through generations.
If a father/mother rejects the covenant of God and takes their family into sin and rejects God, the children will suffer the consequences, often for several generations. Sin is in the world, consequences of sin affect many generations. It is serious and it must be broken.
"Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations." Exodus 34: 6-7
A lot to process in such a short amount of time. I’m left feeling like I just woke up from a dream, that is unfortunately reality. I know that I must continue to arm myself with His word because times are only getting worse. There is an urgency to save those who are lost, to share hope in this fallen world.
"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."
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